Why self sabotaging behaviors

Doubts about your own ability to succeed or hold a steady job could lead you to do things that disrupt your performance or keep you from thriving at work. Have you ever found yourself stalled or stuck when faced with an important task? Your motivation has completely disappeared. So you avoid the task by cleaning out the refrigerator, organizing your junk drawer, or starting a movie marathon.

Procrastination can happen for no apparent reason, but it typically has an underlying cause, such as:. Or perhaps you have a hard time talking about your feelings, especially when upset.

So you resort to snark and passive aggression instead of more effective communication methods. Self-sabotaging behaviors often appear in relationships. You give non-monogamy a try, more than once, but end up frustrated and hurt each time. If you have a hard time speaking up for yourself, you may have a hard time getting all of your needs met.

People often set much higher standards for themselves than they do for others. When you fail to meet these standards, you might give yourself some pretty harsh feedback:. Whether you criticize yourself in front of others or have a habit of negative self-talk , the same thing can happen: Your words may eventually be taken as truth. Believing these criticisms can promote an attitude of self-defeat and keep you from wanting to try again.

Eventually, you might give up before you even begin. According to Joseph, self-sabotage happens when you do certain things that were adaptive in one context but are no longer necessary. In other words, these behaviors helped you adapt to a previous situation, like a traumatic childhood or toxic relationship , and survive the challenges you faced there.

They may have soothed you or defended you. But these methods of coping can cause difficulties when your situation changes. The patterns laid down in our earliest relationships often repeat in relationships throughout life, according to Joseph.

At first your supervisor is forgiving and encouraging, but as time goes on and you still fail to be on time, your supervisor gets angry and eventually fires you. You stayed quiet to defend yourself from anger , rejection, and other negative experiences.

Your present situation differs from the past, but it can be difficult to break out of the same destructive patterns. Wanting to avoid failure can lead you to avoid trying. So your unconscious mind might present you with excuses and ways to sabotage yourself. Self-sabotaging behaviors can also develop from your need to control a situation.

For example, if we grew up in an abusive household, we might have needed to fight our way out of it. Or put more simply, the brain likes the familiar. The more we run a neural circuit in our brain, the stronger that circuit becomes.

This is why it can be so hard breaking out of self-sabotaging behaviour. In these cases, we need to take active steps to work against our self-sabotaging behaviours. We must first identify what they are, and then work to replace them with healthier ways of relating and behaving.

There are all kinds of techniques we can use for quieting this inner voice. But the first step is to identify it. To which you might reply, Because I want to feel more energetic and less tired all the time. This is definitely more specific and compelling, but we can do better… What would you be able to do if you felt more energized and less tired each day?

Now that is a clarified value. If you want to stop self-sabotaging for good, the key is to understand what need it serves and then develop alternative behaviors that fill the same need in a healthier and more productive way. I have always wondered why I continue to fail in every aspect of the word. This post is a game changer. Thank you! I absolutely love your writing, Nick! Incredibly concise and helpful. Good job!!

A force of nature. Thank you so much Nick. I have been self-sabotaging for years not knowing how to attack it but fully realising the negative impact it was having on my health and relationships with my boyfriend and one son. Today I am going to look into the fear of failure and success. Thanks again. Nick, Great article. I like the strategies you outline. I need to use them. Ever since I retired, I procrastinate And it is because I have no goals. A man is getting divorced or woman and circumstances force them to live in the same house or condo for many weeks.

The partner who initiates the divorce is giving the other NO attention, but the person being rejected is unable to stop either throwing out insults or alternatively unable to to act out through being late paying bills, demanding to talk etc.

He or she often destroy any bargaing chips in mediation or trials. That was amazing. The entire set of examples were spot on. It felt like you had been studying my life.

The only variance was that I have been in addiction recovery for over 33 years, while I have worked on that issue and been drug and alcohol free since the other issues continue to plague me. I will be starting this process immediately. Thank you again! Thank you. This is very well written and insightful. I am looking forward to reading more of your articles. Thank you Nick — I too love your writing!

In this article, I really like how you take an abstract value and turn it into an achievable goal. Vagueness is the friend of practiced procrastinators! Great article thank you. How do I stop it? Your article is amazing Nick! While I was reading it I had a feeling that you were talking to me face to face. My boyfriend confronted me about my self-sabotaging behaviour last night and how they are affecting our relationship and most importantly how they can potentially affect my career.

I was aware that I actively choose to self sabotage before but this article has given me clarity on how to begin to break free from it. Thank you Terri. It all makes sense now. Thank you for sharing because it helped me and now I will work to uncover those beliefs and change them.

Nick too! I had no reason to cheat, I looked up a vocabulary word I literally knew. I do this all the time too: I sneak food hoping to get caught subconciously, is what he tells me , I lie compulsively, and I have cheated before.

Help please! Thank you Nick. I always get so much from your sharings. I understand self sabotaging more clearer now. Nick thank you so much for this article. You are very articulate and explain it do well. Sending you best wishes Thelma. Thank you, Nick, for writing this article. I struggle with self-sabotage, and I really like how you broke it down. It seems related to identity. It answers a core existential question about your purpose on earth. Therefore, if you can identify the relationship that a particular odious, tedious action may have to what brings you joy and thus clarifies your true identity, you can basically hack your subconscious mind to comply rather than self-sabotage.

A vision board appeals to the right side of the brain that is more connected to your artistic and less rational side. Using visuals as well as sounds, scents, tactile material, etc can aid you in communicating with your amygdala-driven self. Self-sabotage in the form of procrastination is emotional in nature, as confirmed by recent research. Logical arguments have only served to instill shame but no lasting changes.

Point 4 regarding boosting tolerance for discomfort is very much like willpower — highly doable under favorable circumstances but dicey under emotional duress. This helped a lot. They bring the subconscious to the conscious which is hard to do on your own. Sow the seed by giving words to your desire. It could be a positive change you want or a self-sabotaging behavior you want to eliminate.

Label and acknowledge all your fears around your goal. The underlying fear could be a fear of failure or a fear of success. Limiting beliefs and traumas are the root causes of fear. Ask yourself where your fears come from and how they affect you. Once you identify your self-sabotaging thoughts, override them with empowering and helpful thoughts. First, your perception will change, and then your identity and reality will follow the change.

No more excuses. No more self-sabotage. No more self-pity. No more comparing yourself to others. Time to step up. Take action right now and start living your life with purpose. If you pick option a, your inner self-sabotager wins. It requires commitment and effort from you. No one can love you as much as you can love yourself. Commit to investing in yourself. You deserve it! Prakhar is the creator of Design Epic Life.

His mission is to help high achievers design their epic lives, perform at their peak and become the best version of themselves. Sign up to the DesignEpicLife newsletter to get started now! Follow on Instagram and Twitter. What Is a Self-Sabotaging Behavior? Causes of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors 1. Limiting Beliefs Your belief system is the blueprint for your behavior. Past Traumas Every person has traumas. Irrational Fears Self-sabotaging behaviors emerge from the fear of success and the fear of failure.

List of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors 1.